The clock reads 2:55am and I am sitting at work feeling so frustrated; I feel like someone has punched me hard in the stomach and I want to punch someone back.  I’m not a violent person but at this point I am feeling the need to punch, kick or scream at the top of my lungs.  So, instead I will write and hope that alleviates some of the pressure.

Why am I so frustrated?  Oh, that’s a long story and one I am not willing to write at this point, albeit to say school, work, children and my personal needs do not always mesh well.  I am not keeping up with my schoolwork at this point – the readings are killing me and I can’t seem to catch up.

I took such good care of myself over winter break and truly felt that I could continue that into the new quarter, but alas, it has not happened that way.  I am back to eating junk food, not exercising and gaining weight.  My energy and motivation are both nil at this point.  I feel overwhelmed and worn down and I have only been back in school for 3 weeks.

*sigh*

What’s a girl to do?  Calgon, take me away.

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”  Unknown

It’s time for a new beginning.  So I summoned up my courage, applied for a few jobs and got rejected a few times along the way.  But my persistence paid off and I landed a new job.  I am incredibly relieved. 

My last day at FP is tomorrow.  It feels like an end of an era to me.  I started there in 1998.  It’s where I met Gary.  It’s always been a safe refuge to return to – jobwise that is.  A few months ago things changed and I have finally decided to let go.  Let go and let God – that’s what a wise friend once told me.  I went to the temple earlier this week and as I sat in the celestial room I felt a peace come over me.  I dried my tears and knew all would work out the way it was supposed to.  That was all I needed to know.  So, thank you Heavenly Father, for giving me that precious gift that often eludes me; – peace.

I have also decided to go back to school and get my MSW – after much prayer it feels like the right thing to do.  I am going to trust that feeling and have a little faith.

Now for what really makes my life good…  Tristan playing tee ball and Ethan at his pirate best.  I love my kids!

“There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction.” – Winston Churchill

Frustrated.  Confused.  Sad.  Hopeless.  These all describe how I feel about work right now.  I think I am safe to say this is also how most of my coworkers feel as well.  It is disheartening to work at a place where you feel your voice is neither heard nor wanted.  It is maddening to be told everything you have done at work previous to the new administration taking over was crap (though it really wasn’t).  It is so hard to sit through a meeting where any ideas or imput are shot down the minute they are offered.  It is gut-wrenching to watch as your co-workers are demoted and fired or accused of something they did not do.  And, it frightening to learn that there is virtually nothing that can be done to stop what is happening – that Oregon law gives very few rights to the worker.

And it is demoralizing to know that here I sit at 5am because I cannot sleep for thinking of what is going on – that the helplessness I feel invades my sleep, causes nightmares and makes me sick.  I am tired and sore from the jaw clenching -mostly to keep my big mouth shut for fear of what I might say.  I am sick from the anxiety and worry about my job, about my co-workers and mostly, about the people we serve.  For it is they who ultimately lose in this situation.

I used to enjoy going to work.  I enjoyed the camaraderie with my co-workers, many of whom I had worked with for years – knew well and trusted.  I used to enjoy what I did, though the money was never good and the clients difficult.  At least I knew that I could go to my supervisors for support; I knew teamwork existed and that we helped one another.  I knew that we all did the best job we could and really cared about one another and our clients.  Now…

Now I am faced with a dilemma – do I stay or do I go?  It is especially hard because of the economy – I know there are very few jobs right now.  I know that my family needs the money.  Yet, the very thought of going to work feels me with dread.  So I will pray, pray and pray some more, and then I will start looking for something else. 

“Chaos in the world brings uneasiness, but it also allows the opportunity for creativity and growth.”

Tom Barrett

Last night while I was laying in bed by Ethan, he said to me: “Dad doesn’t tell you he loves you very much, but it’s okay because he does.  Really, he does”.    Where does he get it from?  Kids never cease to amaze me.

I just had someone proposition me the other day – that brought a strange uneasiness to our friendship,  maybe the end.  Gary, of course, was very upset and offered several ideas of his own to deal with this person.  I guess that person doesn’t know me as well as he thinks he does, because if he knew me at all, he would never have asked such a question.

I applied for  my job, finally.  I lost my resume the last time my computer crashed and had to make a new one from scratch.  That was the worst part though as the online application part was actually  much easier than I had anticipated.  Now the waiting begins.  Then the interview and then I expect to get laid off.  I am taking Gary’s tack on this – expect and plan for the worst and hope for the best.  So we shall see what will happen.

The good news is that I have found some willpower, in the form of sugarless gum and mints.  Whenever I am hungry or have a craving after 7 pm, I just reach for my gum and it really helps.  I’m trying to find some wood to knock on though.  Now if I could just get the exercising part down.

I am beginning to repaint the inside of my house – this is going to be a big chore, but I am up for it.  Gary, on the other hand, wants me to leave well enough alone, but I love to decorate and paint and change things around.  He should understand that after ten years of marriage!    Wish me luck.

For some moments in life there are no words.  ~David Seltzer, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

What a week this has been – especially at my work place.  For once I am totally at a loss for words.

Seriously.

All I can manage to say is that Tim was far too young to die and I will miss him.  And, of course, I am very glad that all Damon suffered is a broken jaw – it could have been so much worse.

Always feel like scrapbooking when I am sick?  Weird.  I can barely stand up for more than 10 minutes at a time and have a fever of 102, but there I was, standing at the counter in the laundry room scrapbooking like a mad woman.  I finished 4 pages today alone.  Now, they may not be the “best” pages ever…but they are cute and done and ready to be put into the album.  I should be laying down, drinking lots of fluids and napping, but after two days of doing just that, I am so done.

While I’m on the topic of scrapbooking, I have started doing something I said I’d never do – I’m buying and using scrapbooking kits.  I guess I’ve finally decided that I have so little time for my hobby that I need to make the pages as fast as I can.  With the kits, everything already matches and is easily accessible.  So, the time has come to evolve…first digital and now kits.  What could possibly be next? 

So, I was taking a shower and Ethan walked into the bathroom (yes, I have no privacy at all) and looked at me and said (with his baby blues wide with innocence):  “You’re fat, mommy!”

Never have such words sunk into my psyche like those did today.  It is true that I have gained twenty pounds since I started back to work part-time.  It is also true that I don’t excercise anymore – when is there time??  And yes, I am addicted to sugar.

But wow kid, that was harsh. 

I feel frustrated and not at all determined.  I’ve tried losing weight before and nothing has helped.  I’ve looked at all the weight loss programs and tried a few of them and they haven’t worked.  What I lack is will-power, especially at night.  That’s when the cravings hit me and I find it hardest to say no.  So my little fat self will continue to work on the weight issue, somehow…some way.

Heaven help me.

I find that I don’t have time to scrapbook much, but digital scrapbooking works pretty good. I don’t like it as well as regular scrapbooking (there is just something wonderful about cutting and pasting and getting your hands dirty), but in times of severe time shortage, it is the best thing ever!  Here are the latest pages thanks in part to Cathy Z  Clean and Simple CD and Stampin’ Up Digital Studio.

Count your blessings; name them one by one.  Count your many blessings; see what God hath done.   – Hymn 241 

Happy Valentine’s Day!  I thought today would be a good day to count my blessings:

1. My wonderful husband
2. My sweet and silly children
3. My home
4. The Gospel of Jesus Christ
5. True friends who accept me as I am
6. My sisters, who are my confidants and friends
7. My mother in law – the last grandparent my children have
8. My job, especially in these hard times
9. Gary’s job – that provides so well for us
10. My calling in the Primary, which I love love love

What about you?